Bright Lights

The days are getting better, much better.

Why should I feel bad?

I think it's a rather weird feeling that overcomes whenever I see my friends out drinking and going to parties, it's not that I criticize them, or put them down for drinking, I actually in some sense kind of become almost envious. Not exactly at the sense that I'm not drinking, but that the people I basically grew up with use drinking and partying to "bond" with one another... it's like, because I never partied with you or shared that ice cold beer with you, we hardly exchange words.

I realized not drinking, or going to parties have put me in a rather lonely state here in charlotte, if anything, possibly at any college I may attend I'll remain working, and school.

I don't understand why I get a little sad when I see 764 photos of people partying; it's not jealousy either. I'm not jealous that I don't party/drink as much as them, or that I'm not partying every night, or at all; it once again goes back to the whole idea how drinking and partying are such a social thing that I am lacking.

I have great sober friends, I have great friends in general... except three of them live two and a half hours away from me.

Don't rearrange what I've so clumsily put together; I don't miss drinking, or partying, I miss the social gathering. The attention.

Lingering Memories that just wont Die.

I had that same dream I had while I was in the hospital... I hate the hospital... this smell that slowly treads itself on a crisp bitter wind. It's not the smell of death, or disease... but the smell of a surgery room, the cleanliness of it, the radiation, the metal. It gives me chills thinking about the doctors pushing my bed around the surgery rooms... that smell makes my stomach twist into a knot.

The night I laid in the hospital before I blacked out, I remember with immense details of this dream corresponding to the fever I had.

I remember helplessly laying in my bed, burning up, almost on fire... all I wanted was the luxury of a fan; that's all. There was a fan at the foot of my bed, but it remained off and teased me while I sweated pain. However, I knew how to turn the fan on but it required that I find 50 stray hair length hairs... yes, I know it sounds completely ridiculous but I painfully twisted and turned my body in the hospital bed to only come up short and find 49 hairs. I cried and called for nurses to please turn the fan on, but no one came. The room was dark, the door shut, and I was left to soak in sharp pains, and freeze as the chills kicked in. I could never get the fan on, and the entire situation seemed to laugh at me hysterically as a result of failing to complete that task. I don't know why this dream still comes and goes... it scares the shit out of me and has me wide awake for the rest of night.

A lot of weird things happened in the hospital... a lot.

Wow, I finally understand...

I feel just like Drake...

I finally get it, haha. I finally understand the mass confusion and frustration he dealt with.

Pleased to meet you,

I really enjoy the whole thought that people stumble upon what I write, and are entertained for a few minutes :) It's funny how I can warp something as simple as to putting butter on toast, and making it epic, because I hate writing in such a boring manner. I enjoy making people think, and I'm not to bad at it either.

Well, I received a rather exciting phone call from my madre, turns out I maxed my credit card... hahaha, yah... I can't exactly lie, or go around the fact she was looking dead at my bank statement. I'm very tempted to put that credit card in a envelope and send it back to fayetteville so I'm not tempted by it's "I'm plastic cash that you can swipe till $700." I really would use it on outrageous things, psh, like I normally do.

That was a few hours ago, at this moment I'm actualy writing my argumentative (I'm tackling the unfairness of the SAT), and my profile (paper about seeing Copeland live) papers for English 101 easily. It's honestly about time I've gotten in a mood to write. I was on a hiatus or almost a writing strike, UNWILLINGLY for the past two weeks. I hate when I can't write. It's a weird feeling that I can't write whenever I want, but when I feel it, and know the wheels are turning, I spit ideas after ideas onto any surface.

Anyway, today is Jon and I's two weeks, I know that's nothing for most but, I'm proud of myself for still being with him, and still head over hills in love with him. He's coming here this weekend, a very pleasant surprise, and he's helping me paint my room :D

Off subject, I stole my brothers xbox from fayetteville... and I can't even get xbox like to work in this damn apartment... all that and I don't even enjoy killing people on xbox live, what a shame.

If you map out your future, make sure to highlight the path you plan to take.

I have a meeting with my advisor that conflicts with my doctors appointment at Chapel Hill tomorrow... great. I'm canceling my doctors appointment, because whether it's right or not... I kind of feel my education out weighs my doctors "check up appointment." I guess I'm healthy, other than the fact my eating schedule is tore up, and I started taking my medicine again because my parents begged me, I'm curious to see how my blood work would of looked...

Today, I did a lot of day dreaming... It actually progress worst as the day continued. This morning I got up early for my English class at 8 am. and had no problem doing my research paper, now I'm skipping between myspace, facebook, this and word. I guess my thoughts are a little scattered. A little shocked still that Jon actually loves me and told me he loved me last night, and more so shocked that I feel the exact same way. I guess, I never thought someone would "love" me, I never gave anyone the opportunity to do so. I'm still getting use to telling him over the phone, how I'll do it in person, I have no idea. None the least, I can't wait to see him and everyone else Friday when I head back to Fayettenam.

I'm a little short on money this month, it has me a little worried... but I think I'll be fine, I have 8 more days of work, plus the extra 5 days I volunteered to work before the rent is due. I've been a little sloppy with spending money... I'm stressing myself out to be quite honestly... -sigh-

Life is so boring in Charlotte... I love it... well I love the city, and school and even though I'm always finding something new to keep me entertained; I still feel trapped. I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday... and school Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It's a very boring routine; oddly enough my only day off basically is Wednesday. I really wish I could see Jon more than just the weekends... but it gives me something to look forward to as the week comes to a close. I was extremely happy when he came up here last weekend, it was wonderful to finally have company and soak in someone's presence.

Well, It's cold and winter is rearing it's icy hands around the corner. I'm done writing... not really, I actually have to write this argumentative paper on the unfairness of the SAT... I'm about to make some hot cocoa, and hope it give my brain a boost.

Good night.

I've never had so much trouble saying this.

but, I love you Jon.

I find it rather a relief

that I have written less, and less. I've taken a step back and counted the many sheets of blue and black ink that I've produced to relieve the emotional stress I have, slowly disappear. The notebook with the many collections of my disoriented mind as begun to collect dust; and I'm so glad to I've given that notebook a rest.

I don't understand how exactly I got to the point where I was so unhappy and so terrible at words that I had to rely on text to release the secrets and fears deep in me to sleep at night. I've calmed down a lot since I've met Jon. I had/have a lot of unsettled feelings living in my heart and as quickly as they came, they are beginning to fade.

I've been sleeping like a kid with no troubles, I've been happy like a child feasting on ice cream, free as a girl picking daisies in a field of flowers. I'm feeling the shackles that I placed on myself, unlock; and I don't plan on ever locking them again.

I'm going through a healing process... and I think... no, I know, I'm going to make a full recovery.

Little by Little,

I'm becoming something so much better. Jon & I date, and I can't explain the happiness that runs through my body. I haven't gotten butterflies, or liked someone like this in such a long time, it's very refreshing... I really missed this feeling.

For a year I was caught up over someone who couldn't open up to me, I had no intentions of trying to find someone, but Jon had something that grabbed my entire attention immediately. He's so different from anyone I've ever met, and I'm so glad that I was strong enough to get my shit together and be with him. I caught myself staring in his eyes monday night. I have a little problem with looking people in the eyes, but I couldn't help but lay there and look at him. I sound crazy, but I've never been this happy in seriously a year... a year.

I've been sitting in Charlotte since Tuesday afternoon, and this is a very cruel joke, but the days are going as slow as possible; like they know that my boyfriend is coming to stay with me Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It's killing me, I haven't seen Jon since Monday and I'm loosing it. haha

I don't think that anything can go wrong at this point, it's just perfect. I wished I would of met him sooner, but I wont let distance pose a problem, I like you way to much to let 137 miles keep us apart.

Thank you so much, I feel rejuvenated & whole once more. I've gotten the best sleep in my life the past week... all because of you. I'm surprised so much good has come from us liking each other... it must be something special.

god, you're amazing.

Well, well, well, What Have we Here?!

I finally decided to grow some courage and finally add this guy named Jon I've basically had the hots for, well, a while now. Never knew him, never exchanged any kind of conversation with him, nada. But I liked him and was pretty attracted to him, problem was that he had girl friend(s) for seriously the past 2 plus years, so I let it go.

but, I was browsing around myspace a few days ago, (in other words, lurking. ha) and came across his page and finally added him; I also took the mental note that he was definitely single too.

Anyway, I'm really not about to try and get a boyfriend, but I honestly would love to get to know him. We talked on the phone last night, I'm sure he's just being friendly... But, I decided to meet him at work and bug him Wednesday, maybe I'll hang out with him later that night? :D I'm really excited to go back to Fayettenam... sad thing is it isn't even because of the main reason I was going back (to vote) but now to see this extremely attractive and seemingly well rounded guy. He goes to UNC Pembroke too, I needed to talk to an older guy.

That rule is still in effect.

Back on Track.

Saturday night,
I caught myself viscously bashing Michael the other night while I was drunk... I'm pretty sure I called him everything in the book and just kept going, and going. Which is kind of good and bad. People laugh about it... But, I guess what everyone doesn't know is how he treated me. I don't think I've ever heard/dealt with the relationship I had to fed up with. I was never so miserable, and ashamed... I rather not talk about him or anything leading up to him to be quite honest...

I figure, I could of avoided that whole thing if I hadn't of got mad at you... but I can't help but wonder if what your sister said many months ago about you is true...

"A notch on my bed post is how you shall exist."

Lets Revaluate this Whole Thing.

I decided to actually buy two CD's yesterday before heading up to Chapel Hill to see Copeland (Amazing show by the way, Copeland is ridiculously talented and just marvelous.)

Portugal. the Man's CD "Censored Colors" :
1. Lay Me Back Down
2. Colors
3. And I
4. Salt
5. Created
6. Out And In And In And Out
7. Intermission
8. New Orleans
9. Never Pleased
10. Sit Back And Dream
11. Hard Times
12. Our Times
13. All Mine
14. 1989
15. Our Way

So Far I have enjoyed the album, but I feel like I'm dealing with The Fall of Troy's "Manipulator" Album again. I'm liking this album a lot quicker than "Manipulator" so I'm no too worried. However, Portugal. the Man has executed this new sound rather pleasantly, and trust that unlike many bands, Portgual. the Man is talented and creative enough to hit the ground running with an entirely new sound compared to "Church Mouth". It's 53:11 pack of wholesome Alaskan goodness, ha. I highly advise you listen to it, if not buy it and treat your ears.
( Suggested Tracks: 2, 3, 5, 14, )
____________

second of all, I purchased Copeland's Deluxe album set
at best buy with a DVD and other nifty things.
1. Should You Return
2. The Grey Man
3. Chin Up
4. Good Morning Fire Eater
5. To Be Happy Now
6. The Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)
7. On The Safest Ledge
8. Not Allowed
9. Strange and Unprepared
10. What Do I Know?
11. Not So Tough Found Out

Excellent. Aaron Marsh, once again takes my breath away... that man can evoke so much emotion from hearing him sing. I HIGHLY suggest you purchase this album; it's very much like their second full-length "In Motion" and their third full-length "Eat. Sleep. Repeat." It's strong, beautiful and it's one of those albums where you can listen to each and every track with no worries of memorizing the track you like, you'll love it from the outside of the case to the fluorescent yellow and red colors thrown onto the CD. ( Suggested Tracks: 3, 4, 7, 9 ... honestly, the entire album.)
______________

Anyway, I've still been able to stay off myspace and facebook. Why I'm exactly doing this, I have no idea. I never know why I do things, or I do and I just hide it from myself that well.

I pulled an all nighter from the Copeland show and how I am still conscious stumps me... I'm actually thriving with energy because I just started transferring CD (the little that I have) to my itunes and putting album work on them... ha. I'm also screwing around with this new program for itunes called "genius" BRILLIANT IDEA. I grew so tired of making my "not so random" playlist. I've already made 2 playlist and the program owns up to all the hype it recieves.

Speaking about itunes, I'm trying very hard not to destroy my mac with Limewire or any other shareware music program, it's so hard... I find at least 5 songs the minimal EVERYDAY I want to download... but I can't. BUT, the thing about charlotte I don't have as much time to randomly spend my money like I did in Fayetteville. My money goes strictly to food and rent, the remaining hundreds go to music. Vinyls, shirts, shows, and CD's. So, I feel I'm spending my money rather wisely now, haha.

I guess, this is what I was missing. Just some good music, some good shows, some good CD's. It's been a great year (for music that is), there just has been album after album. (underOATH, Portugal. the Man, Fear Before, Opeth, Copeland, All Shall Perish, Conor Oberst, and more...) Now can someone inform Daryl Palumbo of this trend? :)

"Good Morning Fire Eater" Video

From Copelands latest release, "You are my Sunshine'" Album

I need a break from everyone, especially you.

The past two nights I have quite frankly tortured myself by just spilling my pathetic heart out to Alex. Same response as usual, nothing. I've never met someone so cold in my life, no one. Yet... it's that same coldness, that wall, that I'm so determined to break... Alex broke my wall... and for not only for my reasons but also for him... I would love to help him break his.

Regardless, I've relied on alcohol to do all the dirty work for me... tell him that I actually am in love with him and just let loose all the other skeletons I so willing kept locked up, all so I wouldn't have to read what his response would be on my cell phone. I feel slightly better letting him know, actually I feel really good. However,

I'm haunted by the very thought that when he comes back I will dig myself into a hole I will not be able to pull myself out of, ever. I'm afraid I'll lose complete control over my actions, that I will in the long only further damage my already-bruised heart. I'm hurting, and there is nothing I can do or make Alex do to make it stop. I think it is that very essence of the flaw in my plans to want to be with him that hits home.

I'm too stubborn to back down and try and like someone else... it doesn't work. I dated Michael and all I could think about was Alex, and I regret being or giving any of the day I gave Michael...

I want to be able to tell people Alex is mine, and that I am his, but that just makes me sound really crazy huh? haha, I'm so surprised I have let someone into my heart this EASILY with no questions asked. I have no idea whether I regret what I have done only to myself, or thank myself for even feeling like this at all.

There is an amazing sensation I get that engulfs my body and makes me almost float when I just hear his voice, or just when he acknowledges me just a tiny bit; via myspace, facebook or anything... it's so sad that I'm so caught up on someone and am willing to give up basically everything just to be with him... I've dug this hole deep... but I have no idea if I want to get out of it or not.

I'm not trying to pity myself at all... I guess I'm like everyone else. You can never have everything you want. One day I'm pretty sure I'll have to force myself to realize Alex and I may never be for my own sanity... I'm tired of this constant ache in my heart for the past year... and it only aches because when you say "I care about you, a lot" just doesn't cut it... it just doesn't.

But, I'll only take what you give me... and no more.

Why does your heart ache?

Genius is another word for magic, and the whole point of magic is that it is inexplicable. — Margot Fonteyn
and without a doubt, so is love.

regardless... you really must listen to Copelands "You are my Sunshine" Album, it's fantastic.