I need a break from everyone, especially you.

The past two nights I have quite frankly tortured myself by just spilling my pathetic heart out to Alex. Same response as usual, nothing. I've never met someone so cold in my life, no one. Yet... it's that same coldness, that wall, that I'm so determined to break... Alex broke my wall... and for not only for my reasons but also for him... I would love to help him break his.

Regardless, I've relied on alcohol to do all the dirty work for me... tell him that I actually am in love with him and just let loose all the other skeletons I so willing kept locked up, all so I wouldn't have to read what his response would be on my cell phone. I feel slightly better letting him know, actually I feel really good. However,

I'm haunted by the very thought that when he comes back I will dig myself into a hole I will not be able to pull myself out of, ever. I'm afraid I'll lose complete control over my actions, that I will in the long only further damage my already-bruised heart. I'm hurting, and there is nothing I can do or make Alex do to make it stop. I think it is that very essence of the flaw in my plans to want to be with him that hits home.

I'm too stubborn to back down and try and like someone else... it doesn't work. I dated Michael and all I could think about was Alex, and I regret being or giving any of the day I gave Michael...

I want to be able to tell people Alex is mine, and that I am his, but that just makes me sound really crazy huh? haha, I'm so surprised I have let someone into my heart this EASILY with no questions asked. I have no idea whether I regret what I have done only to myself, or thank myself for even feeling like this at all.

There is an amazing sensation I get that engulfs my body and makes me almost float when I just hear his voice, or just when he acknowledges me just a tiny bit; via myspace, facebook or anything... it's so sad that I'm so caught up on someone and am willing to give up basically everything just to be with him... I've dug this hole deep... but I have no idea if I want to get out of it or not.

I'm not trying to pity myself at all... I guess I'm like everyone else. You can never have everything you want. One day I'm pretty sure I'll have to force myself to realize Alex and I may never be for my own sanity... I'm tired of this constant ache in my heart for the past year... and it only aches because when you say "I care about you, a lot" just doesn't cut it... it just doesn't.

But, I'll only take what you give me... and no more.