Well, well, well, What Have we Here?!

I finally decided to grow some courage and finally add this guy named Jon I've basically had the hots for, well, a while now. Never knew him, never exchanged any kind of conversation with him, nada. But I liked him and was pretty attracted to him, problem was that he had girl friend(s) for seriously the past 2 plus years, so I let it go.

but, I was browsing around myspace a few days ago, (in other words, lurking. ha) and came across his page and finally added him; I also took the mental note that he was definitely single too.

Anyway, I'm really not about to try and get a boyfriend, but I honestly would love to get to know him. We talked on the phone last night, I'm sure he's just being friendly... But, I decided to meet him at work and bug him Wednesday, maybe I'll hang out with him later that night? :D I'm really excited to go back to Fayettenam... sad thing is it isn't even because of the main reason I was going back (to vote) but now to see this extremely attractive and seemingly well rounded guy. He goes to UNC Pembroke too, I needed to talk to an older guy.

That rule is still in effect.

Back on Track.

Saturday night,
I caught myself viscously bashing Michael the other night while I was drunk... I'm pretty sure I called him everything in the book and just kept going, and going. Which is kind of good and bad. People laugh about it... But, I guess what everyone doesn't know is how he treated me. I don't think I've ever heard/dealt with the relationship I had to fed up with. I was never so miserable, and ashamed... I rather not talk about him or anything leading up to him to be quite honest...

I figure, I could of avoided that whole thing if I hadn't of got mad at you... but I can't help but wonder if what your sister said many months ago about you is true...

"A notch on my bed post is how you shall exist."

Lets Revaluate this Whole Thing.

I decided to actually buy two CD's yesterday before heading up to Chapel Hill to see Copeland (Amazing show by the way, Copeland is ridiculously talented and just marvelous.)

Portugal. the Man's CD "Censored Colors" :
1. Lay Me Back Down
2. Colors
3. And I
4. Salt
5. Created
6. Out And In And In And Out
7. Intermission
8. New Orleans
9. Never Pleased
10. Sit Back And Dream
11. Hard Times
12. Our Times
13. All Mine
14. 1989
15. Our Way

So Far I have enjoyed the album, but I feel like I'm dealing with The Fall of Troy's "Manipulator" Album again. I'm liking this album a lot quicker than "Manipulator" so I'm no too worried. However, Portugal. the Man has executed this new sound rather pleasantly, and trust that unlike many bands, Portgual. the Man is talented and creative enough to hit the ground running with an entirely new sound compared to "Church Mouth". It's 53:11 pack of wholesome Alaskan goodness, ha. I highly advise you listen to it, if not buy it and treat your ears.
( Suggested Tracks: 2, 3, 5, 14, )
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second of all, I purchased Copeland's Deluxe album set
at best buy with a DVD and other nifty things.
1. Should You Return
2. The Grey Man
3. Chin Up
4. Good Morning Fire Eater
5. To Be Happy Now
6. The Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song)
7. On The Safest Ledge
8. Not Allowed
9. Strange and Unprepared
10. What Do I Know?
11. Not So Tough Found Out

Excellent. Aaron Marsh, once again takes my breath away... that man can evoke so much emotion from hearing him sing. I HIGHLY suggest you purchase this album; it's very much like their second full-length "In Motion" and their third full-length "Eat. Sleep. Repeat." It's strong, beautiful and it's one of those albums where you can listen to each and every track with no worries of memorizing the track you like, you'll love it from the outside of the case to the fluorescent yellow and red colors thrown onto the CD. ( Suggested Tracks: 3, 4, 7, 9 ... honestly, the entire album.)
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Anyway, I've still been able to stay off myspace and facebook. Why I'm exactly doing this, I have no idea. I never know why I do things, or I do and I just hide it from myself that well.

I pulled an all nighter from the Copeland show and how I am still conscious stumps me... I'm actually thriving with energy because I just started transferring CD (the little that I have) to my itunes and putting album work on them... ha. I'm also screwing around with this new program for itunes called "genius" BRILLIANT IDEA. I grew so tired of making my "not so random" playlist. I've already made 2 playlist and the program owns up to all the hype it recieves.

Speaking about itunes, I'm trying very hard not to destroy my mac with Limewire or any other shareware music program, it's so hard... I find at least 5 songs the minimal EVERYDAY I want to download... but I can't. BUT, the thing about charlotte I don't have as much time to randomly spend my money like I did in Fayetteville. My money goes strictly to food and rent, the remaining hundreds go to music. Vinyls, shirts, shows, and CD's. So, I feel I'm spending my money rather wisely now, haha.

I guess, this is what I was missing. Just some good music, some good shows, some good CD's. It's been a great year (for music that is), there just has been album after album. (underOATH, Portugal. the Man, Fear Before, Opeth, Copeland, All Shall Perish, Conor Oberst, and more...) Now can someone inform Daryl Palumbo of this trend? :)

"Good Morning Fire Eater" Video

From Copelands latest release, "You are my Sunshine'" Album

I need a break from everyone, especially you.

The past two nights I have quite frankly tortured myself by just spilling my pathetic heart out to Alex. Same response as usual, nothing. I've never met someone so cold in my life, no one. Yet... it's that same coldness, that wall, that I'm so determined to break... Alex broke my wall... and for not only for my reasons but also for him... I would love to help him break his.

Regardless, I've relied on alcohol to do all the dirty work for me... tell him that I actually am in love with him and just let loose all the other skeletons I so willing kept locked up, all so I wouldn't have to read what his response would be on my cell phone. I feel slightly better letting him know, actually I feel really good. However,

I'm haunted by the very thought that when he comes back I will dig myself into a hole I will not be able to pull myself out of, ever. I'm afraid I'll lose complete control over my actions, that I will in the long only further damage my already-bruised heart. I'm hurting, and there is nothing I can do or make Alex do to make it stop. I think it is that very essence of the flaw in my plans to want to be with him that hits home.

I'm too stubborn to back down and try and like someone else... it doesn't work. I dated Michael and all I could think about was Alex, and I regret being or giving any of the day I gave Michael...

I want to be able to tell people Alex is mine, and that I am his, but that just makes me sound really crazy huh? haha, I'm so surprised I have let someone into my heart this EASILY with no questions asked. I have no idea whether I regret what I have done only to myself, or thank myself for even feeling like this at all.

There is an amazing sensation I get that engulfs my body and makes me almost float when I just hear his voice, or just when he acknowledges me just a tiny bit; via myspace, facebook or anything... it's so sad that I'm so caught up on someone and am willing to give up basically everything just to be with him... I've dug this hole deep... but I have no idea if I want to get out of it or not.

I'm not trying to pity myself at all... I guess I'm like everyone else. You can never have everything you want. One day I'm pretty sure I'll have to force myself to realize Alex and I may never be for my own sanity... I'm tired of this constant ache in my heart for the past year... and it only aches because when you say "I care about you, a lot" just doesn't cut it... it just doesn't.

But, I'll only take what you give me... and no more.

Why does your heart ache?

Genius is another word for magic, and the whole point of magic is that it is inexplicable. — Margot Fonteyn
and without a doubt, so is love.

regardless... you really must listen to Copelands "You are my Sunshine" Album, it's fantastic.