Well, that fell flat on its face,

Another relationship down the draiinnn,
but you know what, everything around here is actually picking up pretty fast. My pretty busy life has kept a busy mind, that in return has kept a happy heart, well, happy :)

smudge

aks;lahj !!!!

Grape on a vine.

Hopefully, this will play out the way it should. I've been crying all day... and I just can't seem to stop. I feel like I'm punishing myself for no reason.

I know I still love Jon, or I wouldn't care... that's probably why I can't stop crying.

It Stretches Out Pretty Far.

I forced myself to go to class today, it's a weird situation. I almost thought about just missing one class but although it doesn't seem like a big deal, I'm really proud I was able to motivate myself and go to class. I have a tendency of not exactly giving up, but quick to jump to whatever conclusion sounds great at that second, rather than the long run. However, I've been doing really well with that, and have hardly missed my classes. I've been pushing myself a lot this semester, it's been easier since Jon came into my life and that I openly admitted hating this damn place. But, I'm sucking it up; I'm here and I just need to gather up everything into a tight bundle and run with it.

I've been really positive about the future. The future of Jon and I, the future of my education, and my financial state. I'm going to waitress again, and I'm eventually going to shed this procrastination that hovers over about everything I do. I really have a big procrastinating problem, always have, but I'm not wanting it to be an "always will."

I'm very happy that my heart has been very full and calm for a week plus now, and it feels really good my heart is still smiling :) It's a really gorgeous and big smile too.

Look what I found, for real... Cedric is kinda a dick.

& not even based off of this, I've met him... he's your typical douche, but thank god he sings like a castrato.

pretty entertaining.

Please Don't have me Stumble...

I was very worried about Jon and I the other night... he was saying things that I did not like at all, and in response, I couldn't sleep last night. I think it's gradually getting better though (compared to how he felt and talked last night). I've noticed a little difference though (funny I noticed this a few days ago, I didn't tell him that though)... the way he talks, his texts are shorter and less, his tone is just so plain and unexcited... but it could be just me (normally it is)... maybe I'm just so damn unbearable & make people so sick to their stomachs that they fake like, or even fake love me... I know I sound pathetic, but I have avoided thinking down on myself for some time now, and it just feels like I open that healing wound again and went back 5 steps.

I use to always think this way, but I think with Jon I'm so terrified that karma will grab me by the throat and suffocate me of whatever pride, love, and happiness I posses... and... I can honestly say I've broken two hearts... Of course not purposely, but I'm always scared to death that because I've hurt two boys that Jon is going to be the one to ultimately bring me to my knees. My parents jokingly say that he's going to break my heart... I don't take kindly too such a joke... I guess because in the back of my head... it's very possible, I'm nothing special... I'm really not.

Maybe I'm being ridiculous... then again I've set myself up for either something miraculously amazing, or a horribly terrible crash and burn...

I'm scared...
very scared.

2 weeks later,

& i've coughed up all that shit I put into my lungs. I haven't smoked since the 5th of January and it's about time I finally put my foot down and quit such habit.

I'm glad I quit, sometimes I worry that I quit (unknown to me) for Jon, or my family instead of myself. I feel like the chances of me smoking are still 50/50, but I don't want to disappoint Jon, & ofcourse myself. I think it'll be permanent... I pushing it. I don't crave it anymore, and I don't have time to think about wanting a cigarette since I focus all my energy and time on Jon, and school now. Which is a greatttt thing :)

I've been suffering from loss of sleep... I've gotten all my doctors to write me a prescription to 3 different sleeping pills, they all FAILED. Ambien, Ramelteon, you name it. I took the Ambien twice, and haven't taken it since those two times because the shit doesn't work. It's getting me very frustrated... I wake up in sweats and for the past week and a half I have been plagued with unusual, weird, confusing dreams. It's annoying... and it keeps me staring into a dark room four hours dead at night.

Oh well... my joints are doing better, I don't see my doctors till March... they're making me see a joint and muscle specialist. I have my doctors confused on why I'm so damn noisy when I walk, haha.

well it's tuesday evening & the snow has melted already...