Please Don't have me Stumble...

I was very worried about Jon and I the other night... he was saying things that I did not like at all, and in response, I couldn't sleep last night. I think it's gradually getting better though (compared to how he felt and talked last night). I've noticed a little difference though (funny I noticed this a few days ago, I didn't tell him that though)... the way he talks, his texts are shorter and less, his tone is just so plain and unexcited... but it could be just me (normally it is)... maybe I'm just so damn unbearable & make people so sick to their stomachs that they fake like, or even fake love me... I know I sound pathetic, but I have avoided thinking down on myself for some time now, and it just feels like I open that healing wound again and went back 5 steps.

I use to always think this way, but I think with Jon I'm so terrified that karma will grab me by the throat and suffocate me of whatever pride, love, and happiness I posses... and... I can honestly say I've broken two hearts... Of course not purposely, but I'm always scared to death that because I've hurt two boys that Jon is going to be the one to ultimately bring me to my knees. My parents jokingly say that he's going to break my heart... I don't take kindly too such a joke... I guess because in the back of my head... it's very possible, I'm nothing special... I'm really not.

Maybe I'm being ridiculous... then again I've set myself up for either something miraculously amazing, or a horribly terrible crash and burn...

I'm scared...
very scared.

2 weeks later,

& i've coughed up all that shit I put into my lungs. I haven't smoked since the 5th of January and it's about time I finally put my foot down and quit such habit.

I'm glad I quit, sometimes I worry that I quit (unknown to me) for Jon, or my family instead of myself. I feel like the chances of me smoking are still 50/50, but I don't want to disappoint Jon, & ofcourse myself. I think it'll be permanent... I pushing it. I don't crave it anymore, and I don't have time to think about wanting a cigarette since I focus all my energy and time on Jon, and school now. Which is a greatttt thing :)

I've been suffering from loss of sleep... I've gotten all my doctors to write me a prescription to 3 different sleeping pills, they all FAILED. Ambien, Ramelteon, you name it. I took the Ambien twice, and haven't taken it since those two times because the shit doesn't work. It's getting me very frustrated... I wake up in sweats and for the past week and a half I have been plagued with unusual, weird, confusing dreams. It's annoying... and it keeps me staring into a dark room four hours dead at night.

Oh well... my joints are doing better, I don't see my doctors till March... they're making me see a joint and muscle specialist. I have my doctors confused on why I'm so damn noisy when I walk, haha.

well it's tuesday evening & the snow has melted already...