Age and Rot.

I'm so tired of associating myself with people with no restraint, responsibilities, and common sense. I hate weed, and I'm beginning to hate any individual who obsessively indulges in it. I've lost a great deal of friends because of the shit. I've torn myself out of friendships because of it. As of right now, I'm really frustrated with Anessa... what happened? It's so selfish, and stupid. It's really hurting me, and I use to think about how dumb the live above the influence commercials were; but seriously, when you want no part or what your best friends doing, it starts to eat away at the bonds that held you strong.

It's not even the fact that I'm being a hypocrite or that I haven't tried it and have no room to talk, it turned out to be everything I thought it would be, dumb, and boring. But I'm not even trying to focus this blog to preach how bad weed is, but more so what its done to the people I used to love, and surround myself with.

It has never done anything positive for me.

Anessa is hanging with such a sketch crowd, I can't even be around her when she's not sober, it's a totally different person. She can't remember dates we plan to hang out, she thinks she can trust everyone but she can't. She knows I don't care for it, but I feel like she keeps pushing it, pushing that button till I bitch about it. I can't sit around and watch her smoke every fucking day, although my responsibility isn't to be her mom, I am her friend, and friends have responsibilities too.

You're probably asking yourself, monique loosen up, it's just weed. Yah, it's just weed. But when you're buying almost an ounce once a week, and an 8th every other day, I think there's a problem. I think it's a problem when you get so drunk and high that someone steals your cell phone in your own house. I think it's a problem when all of a sudden you're getting a drinking ticket, and then you go and drink the VERY next night and call me to pick your drunk ass up at 2-3 in the morning. I think it's a BIG problem when you start inviting people over who sell a hell of a lot more than just weed. I also think it's a problem when you can't even be sober for a few hours.

I'm fucking done. If you smoke weed, don't talk to me about it, don't brag, and don't do it near me. I don't ever want to meet you, it's quite pointless why you even exist. It's not cool, it's fucking stupid; and you're a fucking idiot if you let it consume your life. To let a PLANT eat at your wallet, your friends, your LIFE, is fucking pathetic. A fine example of worthless space and people, Fayetteville

Well, that fell flat on its face,

Another relationship down the draiinnn,
but you know what, everything around here is actually picking up pretty fast. My pretty busy life has kept a busy mind, that in return has kept a happy heart, well, happy :)

smudge

aks;lahj !!!!

Grape on a vine.

Hopefully, this will play out the way it should. I've been crying all day... and I just can't seem to stop. I feel like I'm punishing myself for no reason.

I know I still love Jon, or I wouldn't care... that's probably why I can't stop crying.

It Stretches Out Pretty Far.

I forced myself to go to class today, it's a weird situation. I almost thought about just missing one class but although it doesn't seem like a big deal, I'm really proud I was able to motivate myself and go to class. I have a tendency of not exactly giving up, but quick to jump to whatever conclusion sounds great at that second, rather than the long run. However, I've been doing really well with that, and have hardly missed my classes. I've been pushing myself a lot this semester, it's been easier since Jon came into my life and that I openly admitted hating this damn place. But, I'm sucking it up; I'm here and I just need to gather up everything into a tight bundle and run with it.

I've been really positive about the future. The future of Jon and I, the future of my education, and my financial state. I'm going to waitress again, and I'm eventually going to shed this procrastination that hovers over about everything I do. I really have a big procrastinating problem, always have, but I'm not wanting it to be an "always will."

I'm very happy that my heart has been very full and calm for a week plus now, and it feels really good my heart is still smiling :) It's a really gorgeous and big smile too.

Look what I found, for real... Cedric is kinda a dick.

& not even based off of this, I've met him... he's your typical douche, but thank god he sings like a castrato.

pretty entertaining.

Please Don't have me Stumble...

I was very worried about Jon and I the other night... he was saying things that I did not like at all, and in response, I couldn't sleep last night. I think it's gradually getting better though (compared to how he felt and talked last night). I've noticed a little difference though (funny I noticed this a few days ago, I didn't tell him that though)... the way he talks, his texts are shorter and less, his tone is just so plain and unexcited... but it could be just me (normally it is)... maybe I'm just so damn unbearable & make people so sick to their stomachs that they fake like, or even fake love me... I know I sound pathetic, but I have avoided thinking down on myself for some time now, and it just feels like I open that healing wound again and went back 5 steps.

I use to always think this way, but I think with Jon I'm so terrified that karma will grab me by the throat and suffocate me of whatever pride, love, and happiness I posses... and... I can honestly say I've broken two hearts... Of course not purposely, but I'm always scared to death that because I've hurt two boys that Jon is going to be the one to ultimately bring me to my knees. My parents jokingly say that he's going to break my heart... I don't take kindly too such a joke... I guess because in the back of my head... it's very possible, I'm nothing special... I'm really not.

Maybe I'm being ridiculous... then again I've set myself up for either something miraculously amazing, or a horribly terrible crash and burn...

I'm scared...
very scared.